


i can't stay with you

by smile5everr



Series: Jaeno/Nomin Short Stories [3]
Category: NCT (Band), nctdream - Fandom
Genre: Friendship/Love, Kissing, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Underage Drinking, college au???, jaemin leaving, reuploaded
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-12-05 08:10:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11573976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smile5everr/pseuds/smile5everr
Summary: Jaemin just doesn't want to stay.





	i can't stay with you

**Author's Note:**

> reuploaded.  
> warning: read at your own risk. some cursing and kissinggggg...... unless you have already read then you know.

They all decided to go to the same college. They all got accepted into the same college and only Chenle, who decided not to go to college with them, was going back to China to pursue acting instead of attending college. Chenle had skipped a grade which was why they had graduated at the same time. They all talked about wanting to go to the same college and they had their mind set on it.

It wasn't until a few months after they graduated that Jaemin, who wanted to become a writer, had decided not to go to the same college as them. He hadn't told his friends yet. He had a long talk with Yuta, who was like his part-time mentor and half-brother, though not blood-related, and said that he wanted to do something different because he wasn't set on where he wanted to be in life. Yuta didn't take things too seriously and kinda threw the idea away, telling him not to go study in the states. Although everyone knew that Jaemin's dream was to become a writer, they also knew that Jaemin wanted to be happy.

On his 18th birthday party, a few weeks later, Jaemin took on a turn and disappeared the last hour. They didn't know where he went nor did they know why he left. Jeno had arrived towards the end of the party when he heard the news, he knew something was up.

"I don't get it. It's his birthday party and he just left," Haechan said. "This isn't like him."

"What do you mean? Jaemin's always been like this. One moment he's there, and the next second, he's gone," Renjun said.

"Guys, who was the last person to talk to him?"

"It was me," Mark said, walking up to them. "He said that he was going outside to get something and never came back. I went outside to check on him but he wasn't there. I even called him but he didn't pick up."

"Poor guy. He must be upset."

"I don't even know why he would be upset. He didn't even tell us anything." Renjun said, finishing his last drink of the night.

"I'll go find him," Jeno said, reaching for his jacket. "He couldn't be far off."

"Do you think Jaemin even wants to talk to you? He's still mad at you."

Jeno sighed and looked at Mark. "I don't care. I'm the only person here that knows him the best out of all of you. Even if he doesn't want to see me or talk to me, I will make him come back."

"Jeno, I forgot to tell you that Jaemin drank. He's probably drunk so you better talk to him lightly or he'll combust."

"Who the fuck let him drink?" he asked.

"It's his birthday. We might as well let the boy drink."

Once he left Jaemin's apartment, he drove around the neighborhood for awhile until he decided to go to the Han River. It was Jaemin's favorite place and the only place where he feels the happiest. When he got there, he walked around for 10 minutes and when he couldn't find him, he got back into his car. After about 20 minutes of driving around, he received a call from Mark.

"Jeno, Jaemin took the train up to Incheon."

"What? Why would he do that?" What the fuck? Jaemin must be out of his mind. But then it hit him. Hansol.

"I don't know. Jaemin just called me and said that he will be in Incheon. Just don't tell Yuta or anyone else."

"Thanks, Mark. I think I know now. Look, I'm going to go to Incheon to find him."

Incheon was where Hansol was currently residing since he worked at a company there. Hansol was Jaemin's first love and long-term friend, Hansol was the only person that Jaemin trusted with all his heart. He thinks fondly of Hansol and Jeno doesn't understand sometimes, but Hansol was the only person that could get Jaemin to say something and they all know Jaemin was stubborn as hell.

 

 

 

 

 

"Jeno, what are you doing here?" Hansol looked as fine as he can be, with his hair dyed blonde and skin as flawless as ever.

Jeno smiled at him and walked into the house. "Where is he?"

"What do you mean?"

"Is Jaemin here?"

"Jaemin? He's not here."

Jeno looked at Hansol, a bit shocked. "What?"

"Jaemin hasn't been here in months Jeno. I don't even know where he is right now."

Jeno sat down on the couch, thinking. "Mark said that he's in Incheon. Jaemin even called him to say that he's here."

"I heard that too, but Jaemin didn't even come visit me. Jeno, do you even know what is going on with him?" Hansol looked pretty worried.

Jeno leaned back on the couch. "That's the thing. I don't know. I just know that Jaemin's not going to college with me and the guys."

"Not going to college with you guys?"

Jeno just nodded.

"He told me he was set on going to college with you guys. I don't get why he would back out."

"I don't know either."

Hansol stood up, rubbing his head. "Are you and him on talking terms?"

Jeno shook his head. "No really." They got into a fight just before graduation and it wasn't the nicest fight. Jaemin just didn't want to even look his way and practically everyone in their circle of friends know what had happened. None of them really wanted to talk about it.

"Fuck, what is he even doing here? He must be out of his mind."

"He left right before his birthday party ended."

"Wait," Hansol stopped him. "I called him last night to say happy birthday but he didn't seem really happy."

"Did he say anything?"

Hansol shook his head. "He did talk about Yuta getting on his nerves, but other than that, he didn't talk much."

Jeno nodded. "Okay, thanks." He got up and smiled at Hansol. "I'm going to go back now and I'll let you know once Jaemin is back."

 

 

 

 

 

It wasn't until a week later that Jaemin finally returned home and there was chaos. Jaemin got a big hearing from his parents right when he stepped foot into their house and Yuta had immediately yelled at him and even told him not to leave his sight. It was told that Yuta was pretty upset when Jaemin took off and left without telling him anything and Jaemin tells Yuta everything. Mark and Haechan talked to him privately when no one was there while he and Renjun didn't want to get into the mess.

When they were back at Jaemin's apartment, or Yuta's, it didn't matter, Yuta kept going on and on. Jaemin seemed really done with him.

"Even Jeno followed you down to Incheon but you weren't with Hansol. Where the fuck have you been Jaemin?"

Jaemin looked at Yuta for a long minute before standing up from the couch. "That's none of your business. At least I told them that I was there, but that doesn't mean that he," Jaemin pointed at Jeno, "has to follow my ass. Stop being so paranoid."

Yuta grabbed onto Jaemin's shoulder and made him stand still. Everyone knew that once Yuta was mad, he was fucking mad and you should never get on his bad side. "What the fuck were you doing in Incheon anyways? Were you trying to get yourself killed?"

"Yuta, I'm 18 for your goddamn sake. Stop treating me like I'm still 10."

"In my head, you still are 10. I don't want you to leave this apartment. From now on, you're grounded."

Jaemin opened his mouth but instantly closed it. He knew that whatever he says would not be taken into consideration. He crossed his arms and stared right at Yuta.

"Yuta, you can't just ground him like that," Renjun said, finally talking for the first time. "Why can't you see that he's not a kid anymore. He's his own person and stop trying to take control of him."

"Renjun, I don't care. If I see him leave with anyone of you guys, you won't see him alive." With that, Yuta left the living room and walked outside, taking a call.

Jaemin suddenly kicked the chair beside him. "Fuck. Who does he think he is? And why can't you guys just fucking shut up for once and leave me alone? That's all I fucking need okay?" Jaemin brushed the hair out of his face, frustrated.

"We're your friends, Jaemin. And besides, we want the best for you," Haechan said.

"Like hell you do. If I tell you guys one thing, Yuta fucking digs it out of you. I can't live with Yuta always acting like this. He drives me crazy," Jaemin said looking at Jeno and Renjun and everyone else. "If you guys were my real friends, you would have understood why I needed to leave."

"It's not like you tell us anything," Jeno said.

Jaemin rolled his eyes. "You should know, Jeno. Do I have to tell you guys everything?"

"Why did you even leave? Tell us that."

Jaemin sighed. "I needed to leave for a while, to take a break. I wasn't with Hansol, I didn't even go near his place. It was like a breather for me."

"Then what the fuck were you doing? Wandering the streets?"

"No. I don't stoop that low."

"Right. You just took a train to Incheon in the middle of the night with no idea what the hell you were doing. You were even partially drunk too."

"Jeno, you don't get to say that to me. You don't even know why I left you dipshit."

"Jaemin!" Mark said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Stop acting like this. If you don't want to tell us, then don't. We just care about you. You can't just run away from your problems."

"Why can't I be alone for awhile? It was my birthday and I feel stuck in this hellhole. That was why I left. We all need a break sometimes right?"

"Well, sometimes you need to open your mouth and say what the hell you're doing in fucking Incheon instead of leaving us to think you almost died because you were drunk out in the streets."

Jaemin rolled his eyes and slammed his fist on the table once he heard Yuta open the door. "Tell that motherfucking bitch that I'm in my room." He walked into his room and slammed the door.

"What are we going to do about him?" Haechan asked. "Ever since that one time we caught him drinking at a bar, he's been a major problem."

"He's always been a problem," Jeno muttered.

"It's his drinking habit. He can't seem to stop drinking," Renjun said.

Yuta just sighed. "He's been having some troubles. Has he told you guys why he won't be attending your college?"

"Not yet."

"That's because he's planning on moving to the U.S for a few years."

Jeno's head perked up. "What?"

"I won't let him and now he's acting like this. I feel so bad for him, but at the same time, I want the best for him."

"If he wants to go study in the U.S, then let him Yuta. You can't always tell him he can't do things," Jeno said.

After that, Jeno, Renjun, and Mark left to go eat while Haechan stayed back with Jaemin.

 

 

 

 

 

 

They didn't see each other until a few days later when Jaemin came to his house because he needed a place to hang.

"Don't ask. You're the only person I can trust right now."

Jaemin was wearing a pink shirt with some long sweats. Jeno recognized the sweats was the one he let him borrow weeks prior to their fight.

"What's up?" Jeno asked, making room on the couch to let Jaemin lay down on it.

"Getting away from Yuta. I'm tired of his ass."

"Like always, but he's gonna come over here and look for you. You know you're grounded."

"It doesn't matter. He needs to stop treating me like some kind of kid who needs a nanny 24/7."

Jeno laughed at that.

"I also want to say I'm sorry," Jaemin spoke, his voice little softer. He didn't make eye contact with him.

"About the fight?"

Jaemin nodded. "Yeah. I went off on you and said things that I don't mean. You know how my mouth has no filter. We always get into stupid fights and it's always my fault."

"Look Jaemin, I want to make some things clear. Why do you always get upset over the littlest things?"

Jaemin sighed and sat up. "Okay. Yeah sorry for overreacting. It won't happen again."

Jeno looked closely at him. "Sure you won't."

They weren't in love and maybe they never will be, but Jeno knows that it only takes a matter of time for everything to come together. They dated for 8 months when they were just freshman high schoolers and now they were going to college. Their relationship was memorable, yet sweet, but relationships never last. It was just something that wasn't meant to be. But they were still close friends. Jeno sometimes misses the old ways of how things were for them, but he was happy that he could understand Jaemin through their dating life. Jeno didn't know how Jaemin thought about them, but hopefully, Jaemin was over them too. Their love life was different than most relationships, but it was something you can't ever forget.

"We could be roommates," Jeno suddenly said. "But only if you stay."

Jaemin froze for a bit before looking up. "Yuta told you huh?"

Jeno nodded. "He told all of us."

Jaemin sighed, leaning back on the couch. "It was my choice. I needed something big. I can't live like this and I feel like I need to do something. Yuta doesn't understand what I want and my parents don't want me to leave." Jaemin looked at him. "But this is for me and nobody else. Why can't they understand that this is what I want?"

"I don't want you to go."

Jaemin just stared at him, surprised by the outburst. "What?"

"Don't go. There's no point of you going."

Jaemin couldn't believe what he was hearing. Out of all the friends he had, Jeno would certainly understand, but why was he saying that there's no point of him leaving? He quickly got up but Jeno stopped him, holding onto his forearm.

"Jeno, this isn't about what you want. This is about me. I thought you would understand."

"I do, but-"

"You don't get it Jeno. No one gets it." Jaemin shook his head. "Why don't you get it?"

Jeno sighed. "I do get it. This isn't for me to decide, but I want you to stay back. It's just what I want."

Jaemin didn't say anything and was already walking in the kitchen, getting some soju from the fridge because Jeno only had soju. Jeno never drinks anymore since he can't really tolerate it. He chugged some down before he could see Jeno frown at him.

"If Yuta comes here and finds out you're drinking, I'm pretty dead."

"Who cares about him? All he does is nag at me and you know how much I hate it? He needs to go die in a hole." Jaemin took another shallow before suddenly Jeno stopped him, taking the bottle away.

"Stop it. You can't drink anymore."

"It's just soju Jeno."

Jeno put away the bottle before Jaemin could reach for it again. "It doesn't matter. When will you stop your drinking habits? I remember when you never drank."

Jaemin stared at him. "Well, things change."

Jeno stared at him, studying him for a second. "You've changed. Ever since this happened," Jeno pointed to the bottle, "you've become a different person. You're so rowdy and you keep doing the same things. When will you grow up?"

Jaemin didn't seem to take his words lightly. He looked down at the table, cheeks all flushed and eyes dark. "That's for me to decide. When will you stop looking at my mistakes and think about yourself? You're not the best person here."

"I don't have to be," Jeno whispered. He knew he was the one that ended what they had years ago, but it will never stop haunting him. "But I know where I stand. When will you know yours?"

Jaemin finally met his eyes. There was something in Jaemin's eyes that Jeno couldn't read. "I know exactly where I stand. I just wished you would stop thinking I'm less than what I am." And with that, Jaemin grabbed his car keys and left without saying anything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Do you think Jaemin is still in love with you?" Renjun asked when they were out eating lunch at a small cafe. It one of Renjun's friend's cafe.

Jeno bit his lips. "We were never in love Renjun. We were just teenagers."

"But it was real right?"

Jeno sighed. What was even real between them? "Why are you asking about this?"

"I just heard Yuta talking about something," Renjun whispered, his voice could barely be heard. "Jaemin isn't leaving because he wants to study. God knows Jaemin barely studied during high school."

"Wait, you mean he's not going there to study? Then what is he doing there?"

"I'm not sure, but Jaemin talked to Hansol the other day he came back. Hansol was really worried about him. You know how Jaemin feels about Hansol right?"

"Yeah, but what does that have to do with me?"

"I don't know, but I think you're part of the reason Jaemin wants to go."

"Renjun. You're saying he wants to go because of me. I don't think I'm such a huge impact in his life to make him leave."

"Hey, you might not know it, but you are. Jaemin just doesn't say anything because he never opens his mouth."

"What are you going at?"

Renjun looked over at the other customers before leaning in to talk to his ear. "You know that cashier over there?"

Jeno quickly glanced at the tall cashier, who was talking to one of his co-workers. "No. What about him?"

"His name is Win-Win. Chenle apparently had a tiny crush on him before he left for China, but the guy took a liking to Jaemin. They would come here a lot and every time Win-Win would flirt with Jaemin, Chenle would get mad. The thing was Jaemin didn't care about Win-win and tried to set them up, but it didn't work. Jisung, who tried really hard to get Win-Win to fall for Chenle, told me that it didn't work out, but before all of that, Win-Win had already confessed to Jaemin. And did you know what he said?"

"What?" This was all new to him.

"He said that he was in love in with someone else."

"Obviously. Jaemin loves Hansol."

"Hey, I'm not done," Renjun said, sipping his water. "A long time ago, like several months before Prom, Jaemin asked Hansol if he wanted to go with him, but Hansol was in a relationship with Kun. You know how Hansol is very much in love with Kun right? The reason why Jaemin told me was because he didn't want anyone else to judge him for doing that. He knew that Hansol was in love with someone else, but he took a chance. At that point, you were already taking Lami to Prom and Jaemin didn't have anyone to take. He told you right?"

"He told me he wasn't going to ask anyone. I didn't know he asked Hansol."

"He lied. But in the end, Jaemin didn't even go to prom because Hansol had said no. But Hansol didn't say no. He told Jaemin that he would go if he confesses his love for him but Jaemin never confessed his love for Hansol."

"Why didn't he?" Everyone knew how much Jaemin was in love with the older.

"I don't know. I'm guessing he never really loved Hansol."

"Renjun. That's impossible. Jaemin loved him. We all know that."

"But Hansol doesn't love him. Hansol just thinks of him as a brother and a friend. Do you think Jaemin would've gotten over him already? It's been years Jeno. Jaemin didn't deserve that kind of heartbreak. The only thing I don't understand was why Hansol would even ask him to confess. It wasn't like he was going to say "I love you too Jaemin." He's playing with Jaemin. Hansol doesn't even care about Jaemin's feelings."

"What are you trying to say here?" Jeno asked, watching him closely.

"Jaemin never confessed to Hansol and do you know why? It's not because he knew that Hansol didn't love him, it was because he's not in love with Hansol. I don't think Jaemin ever loved him like that. Jaemin just liked the idea of being with Hansol, the idea of spending time with him and holding his hands, but it was never love Jeno. He felt safe with him because he was the only person he could really connect to. Don't you get it?"

"No, I really don't."

"Hansol represented someone that he loved. When did you meet Jaemin?"

"Elementary school."

"When did Jaemin meet Hansol?"

Jeno just shrugged. "High school? He met Hansol through Yuta though."

Renjun just shook his head. "It doesn't matter. Just fill in the loopholes. He met you before he met Hansol and after that, Jaemin was smitten by Hansol. You guys dated and broke up the same year, it was also the year Hansol started going out with Kun. If you think about it, you're the only person in this circle that Jaemin could have loved."

Jeno shook his head, putting his coke down. "Renjun, there's so much you don't know about me and Jaemin. Jaemin and I, we weren't... compatible to date. We were just too different and we had a difficult time. Love isn't what defines us. Our relationship was filled with fights and arguments."

"But you guys stayed friends."

"Yeah." Even if they had dated, they remained good friends.

Renjun closed his mouth and silently stared at the window. After a while, he looked at Jeno. "I sometimes wonder if love is different from being in love. You may love Jaemin, but you aren't in love with him. You may be in love with other people, but you will always love Jaemin. There's no other way around it."

Renjun was right. He would always love Jaemin, but he just was never in love with him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jaemin was stuck in his room all day and he wanted out. He could hear Yuta talking on the phone all day and wondered who the fuck he was even talking to. All he knew was that Yuta wasn't dating and the only person he possibly could have been talking to was his ex, Irene. They had an on and off relationship and although Yuta never talks about it, he knows everything.

Haechan was sleeping in his room and he could hear him snoring. He just wanted Haechan to be free and not be stuck with him all day. God knew they all had a life.

He saw Yuta walk into the room and knock on the door. "I'm going to buy some food. What do you want?"

Jaemin looked up from his book. He hates reading. "Get us some Sushi."

Once Yuta left the house, he immediately woke Haechan up.

"What is it?"

"Get up. He's gone and this my time to leave."

Haechan rolled his eyes. "Remember when you sneaked over to Jeno's house and when you came back, he took your car keys? Yeah, I'm not risking him taking MY car keys. I need them."

"Fuck, what am I supposed to do? I can't always have him watching me all day."

"You'll be fine. You have me."

Jaemin sighed and got up the bed. "You know you don't have to stay with me. Go hang out with Mark or something."

"Nah. He's off with Jaehyun again."

"Oh. What is he doing with Jaehyun? I thought Jaehyun was still with Doyoung."

"He is."

"Then what-"

"I have no idea. Don't ask me."

Jaemin made a funny face. "You still really love him huh?"

Haechan snorted. "I don't know. Love is a strong word."

Jaemin sighed. "Right." He paused for a moment. He could hear a car door closing. "Someone's here. I'll go get it."

When he looked through the peephole of his door, he could already tell that it was Mark and Jisung. He opened the door for them.

"Hey guys."

"How are you coping in here buddy?" Mark asked, patting his back.

"It's whatever."

"It's only for 2 weeks. You can do this."

Jaemin sighed, but he smiled at Mark. "Thanks."

"Anyways, Jaehyun and I are are going out of Seoul. Jaehyun's planning on proposing to Doyoung and we need to plan it as soon as possible."

Jaemin's eyes grew wide. "He's proposing? What the fuck. Already?"

"What can I say? They're in love."

"Yeah, but like they've only been dating for 4 years."

"So? It doesn't matter. When you're in love, it can take you anywhere," Mark said, looking at Haechan from the corner of the room. Jaemin didn't know when Haechan made his way out of the bedroom.

He walked over to Haechan and put his arms around him. Jaemin and Jisung glanced at each other before going back to watch Haechan and Mark. They were whispering to each other now and Jaemin couldn't hear what they were saying.

It wasn't until they started kissing was when Jaemin looked away. Haechan and Mark has a complicated thing going on and he didn't know what it was. They liked each other, but they also weren't ready to date.

"When do you think Mark will finally ask Haechan out?" Jisung whispered, looking away too. Jisung was still a high schooler.

"I don't know. You ask them," Jaemin said, walking into the kitchen, beckering Jisung to come follow him. "I need you to help me convince Yuta to let me go to the States."

Jisung thought about it. "I would but Yuta scares me. Literally and figuratively."

"He scares everyone. I just need someone to convince him. If he doesn't let me go, my parents will never approve of me going. He's the only person that can make this happen."

"Have you tried talking to him?"

"You think I haven't? Of course I have."

"What did he say?"

"He said it was stupid. He won't ever let me. He wants me to rot here until the day I die."

A moment later, Yuta suddenly opened the door. "Jesus, get a room! I don't want to see that anymore."

"Hey, you do it with your girlfriend all the time," Mark said, smiling. "Besides, it's not the first time you saw us."

Yuta threw Mark a nasty face. "Get the fuck out Mark."

"You got sushi?" Haechan asked, walking away from Mark.

"Oh yeah. You guys can dig in. Jaemin, I need to talk to you."

Jaemin groaned. "What now?"

"Stop whining like a baby and get your ass in the room."

Jaemin walked into his room and Yuta followed after him, closing the door.

"Okay, here's the thing. Your parents called and they want to talk to you the first thing in the morning. You can take the car keys and go over there. It's only an exception. Other than that, you still can't drive."

Jaemin nodded. "Okay. Anything else?"

"She's coming over tonight so you better shut it okay? She doesn't even like you."

Jaemin sighed. He hates it when Irene would come over. The girl was pretty, but she was a bitch. "Whatever. Just no sex please."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jaemin drove to his parents the first thing in the morning. He technically lives with Yuta and he always has to drive back and forth to his parents ever since he moved out. He misses the how they would cook him breakfast and now he has to make his own food because Yuta sucks at cooking.

Once he got there, he saw a familiar car in the driveway. "No way," he whispered to himself.

He knocked on the door and his mom opened it. "Good you're here Jaemin, Johnny's here."

Jaemin looked to where Johnny was. The older boy was sporting a nice smile and was dressed in his red jacket.

"What are you doing here?" He walked over him and gave him a strong hug. He instantly knew he was saved. Johnny could make everything better for him without even trying. He just knew that once he told Johnny what he wanted, he would understand. Johnny was his older neighbor who had moved out ever since he graduated college and found a job in Busan.

"I just came by today. I was visiting Jaehyun and Doyoung and thought I would come see you."

"How is your job and Ten?" Ten and Johnny have been dating for over 7 years. Johnny was a teacher who was working in the downtown part of Busan while Ten was a dancer working in a big company.

"Great. How are you and everyone else?"

"It's alright. I actually have to tell you something. Mom, is it okay if I talk to Johnny in my room?"

His mother just nodded.

"Is everything okay? Is Yuta bothering you?" They were up in his room. Johnny seemed really worried.

"He always bothers me. Look, I want to go study in the states, but they won't let me. I mean Yuta and my parents. I want you to help me persuade them."

Johnny was quiet for a long time.

"Do you know how hard it is to go to the states? You don't even know basic English Jaemin. Why do you even need to to go?"

"I do know basic English. The only reason I want to go is because I feel stuck here. I don't like being here with Yuta always being my nanny. I need some freedom. I need to explore and do what I want to do. I want to fall in love in the states, I want to forget my past relationships, I want to know what's out there."

"Just because you want this doesn't mean it will work out."

Jaemin grabbed onto his arm. "I need this Johnny. No one here understands me."

"What about Hansol? Jeno? Your parents, friends? Are you going to leave them?"

Jaemin sighed. "Why do I always have to think about other people? I've spent my whole life worrying about others, when will it be my turn to just care about myself?"

Johnny didn't mean to make Jaemin sad. He rubbed Jaemin's shoulder and pulled him in closer. "I'll see what I can do. Just know that whatever happens, going to the states or not, I want you to be happy. You may not be happy right now, but you have wonderful people who love you."

Jaemin leaned on Johnny's shoulder. "How can I be happy when I can't do something I want?"

Johnny took Jaemin's face into his hands, looking into his eyes. "Life isn't always going to be smooth. You know that. I understand what you feel, but everyone feels like this once in their life."

Jaemin just nodded. "But when you can't do something you want, what do you do?"

"You get the second best thing or get something new in general. There are so many options. You will figure it out."

When Johnny talked to his parents about letting him go the states, they didn't like the idea. He already had a lot of money saved up and even got accepted to a University in California. It was a long talk and it wasn't until Yuta had to come over and privately talk with Johnny. Yuta and Johnny don't like each other.

"Jaemin, baby, you know we love you and all, but this is kind of crazy."

Jaemin looked at his mom. "Mom, I think it's time for me to be my own person. You guys need to let me go."

"You don't even know anything about the American culture. Going alone is going to be tough."

"I think I know enough to get pass. I took 4 years of English in high school and took lessons from Jaehyun and Johnny. I think I will be fine."

"You think you will be, but the next thing you know, you're on the plane back home."

"Yuta, shut it. Why don't you go home first? Jaemin can stay here tonight," his mother said, giving Yuta a look.

"I'm just saying what is more realistic," Yuta muttered, getting up. A few moments later, he left and that was when Jaemin managed to say something that he thought he might never say to his parents.

"I think Yuta needs to go Mom. I mean literally. Yuta is great and all that, but I don't need him anymore. I think it's best if Yuta lives his own life too and not have to worry about me."

"It's his job to worry about you Jaemin," his dad voiced out.

"I know, but I'm 18 dad."

"Just because you're 18 doesn't mean you know what to do. Yuta is here to help you with everything. He's been with you since forever. You can't ever send him away."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Jeno found out that Jaemin might be able to go to the states, he drove down to Jaemin's place. Yuta was with Irene talking outside when they saw him. He waved to them before going into the house.

Haechan was already there. When is Haechan never with Jaemin?

"Hey you're here," Haechan said, smiling at him. "I made some cookies. You can have some only if you answer my question."

"Which is?"

"Can you get Jaemin out of his room? He's been crying."

"What do you mean?"

"Yuta made him cry again."

"What did he do this time?"

"They were fighting and Jaemin threw away Yuta's favorite precious handmade artwork. It was made out of glass too. Yuta went all on him and it wasn't pretty and now Jaemin won't even leave the room and it's been hours."

"Well, he did break it. How else do you cope with something like that? Yuta must be mad."

Haechan pushed him. "Please talk to him."

Jeno nodded and slowly opened the door but he was surprised to see Jaemin playing games on his Xbox. Jaemin glanced up at him.

"Oh, you're here."

"Nice to see you too."

Jaemin went back to playing and went he lost, he put away the game. "What's up?"

"Nothing much. What's up with you?"

Jaemin glared at him. "Ask Yuta. The guy pretty much ruined my whole day."

"I mean you did break his artwork..."

"I don't care."

"Look, stop being a brat. If you don't want Yuta to treat you like this, you need to learn how to not make him mad and do things right."

"We all know that ain't happening."

Jeno sat down next to him on the bed. "You're really leaving?"

Jaemin looked up at him. "I know you don't want me to go."

"How could I want you to leave?"

"Don't worry it's just for a few years," Jaemin said, getting up.

Jeno shook his head and took his hand. "Jaemin, look at me and when I say this. I don't want you to leave."

Jaemin stared at him, but he quickly looked away. "What do you want me to do? Not go?"

"I want you to look at me and tell me that you will stay."

Jaemin looked at him like he was crazy. "What? Jeno, I can't do that. I'm not going to stay just because you tell me to. This isn't what you want, this what I want."

"Then what do I mean to you?"

"What? What do you mean to me? You already know."

"You're just gonna leave us and think about yourself? It's always about you Jaemin and yet you don't stop to think about what we feel."

Jaemin stopped and stared at him. "Then what do you feel? When can I stop caring about what you think?" Jaemin took his hands away. "You're one of my best friends Jeno, but this isn't about that. I just want to be happy for once and you won't let me."

"What can I do to make you stay?"

"Nothing."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A day later, Jeno received a call from Taeyong. Taeyong never calls him unless he needs something and he fucking called in the middle of the night. Taeyong and he had something a long time ago, but it wasn't something too serious. They were still really close friends.

"Why are you calling me in the middle of the night?"

"I'm at your place. Open the door."

Jeno quickly checked if his parents were sleeping before going downstairs. He could see Taeyong's red car in the driveway.

He opened the door and walked out to his car, seeing Taeyong leaning in it. "What do you want?"

"You want you to come with me somewhere."

"Right now?" Jeno asked, confused. "What for?"

"It was 2nd-degree murder. I promise you, but I can't go to jail for this."

Jeno looked at him, wondering what the fuck was going on. Taeyong's been in juvenile for over 5 years and he just got out.

"Taeyong. What the fuck? What did you do?"

"I'll tell you later, but I need you to help me. I will turn myself in but I need to propose to Taeil first. He's at his university and you know, I can't get in there because I have a record. I need you to tell him to come out."

Jeno sighed and rubbed his temple. "Taeyong, this is life without parole. You will be in there for a long time. You can't marry Taeil like this."

"Then what do I do?"

"I don't know. Why did you murder someone?"

"Jeno, this ain't about someone dying. The thing is you need to tell Taeil I love him okay? I know that may never see you again, but you're my only hope. I love Taeil more than anything and please don't let anyone else know. Jaehyun will whip my ass if he finds out. Please."

Jeno finally nodded and pulled him into a hug. "I will propose to Taeil for you okay? We'll come see your trial."

"Bye Jeno." He handed Jeno the black box with a ring. And with that, he left. Jeno sighed and watched the car go.

"Taeyong, how did you ever become like this? You've ruined yourself."

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
The next day, Jeno was set on doing his deed. He brought some flowers and made sure the ring was tucked safely into his pocket.

He drove over to Mark to tell him was up. "I'm proposing to Taeil today and I need your help."

Mark choked on his drink. "Come again?"

Jeno rolled his eyes. "Just help me. I'm going to his university in a bit and you have to help me get him out of his room."

"Why are you proposing? Taeil is dating Taeyong."

"Oh yeah and Taeyong committed murder last night."

"He what?" Haechan came out of Mark's room, fully dressed up.

"Oh shit," Mark muttered. "He's doomed."

"What is this about you proposing to Taeil? You must be out of your mind because Taeil doesn't love you."

Jeno ignored Haechan and walked around to get something some water. "You in Mark?"

"Sure. But really why are you doing this?"

"I'll tell you later."

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
Once they got there, Mark went up to talk to Taeil. After a while, he saw Taeil coming out dressed in a Nike t-shirt and jeans. Honestly, he hasn't seen him in a while and honestly, Taeil looked great.

"Jeno? What is this?" He asked, pointing to the flowers.

"Hey Taeil. I have something to tell you. Taeyong is in jail right now and he wants me to tell you that he's sorry."

Taeil stared at him and he could see the pain planted on his face. "He's in jail? Are you shitting me?"

"Taeil, look. He wanted to tell you how much he loves you by asking me to do this," he pulled out the ring from his pocket. "Taeil. I'm really sorry that you have to hear this." He placed the ring on Taeil's palm. "Will you marry Taeyong?"

Taeil just stared the box for the longest time before looking up at him. "No. I can't Jeno. There's no point in marrying him anymore."

"I know. He probably wanted to propose to you but he never got the chance to."

"I can't believe him. He threw everything away."

"Yeah."

Taeil sighed, irritation on his face. "Thank you, but I can't accept this proposal. Not ever. Taeyong is a good guy and I love him but there's no future for us."

"Don't say that," Mark said, walking up to him. "I didn't know that Taeyong wanted to marry you, but you know he really loves you."

"I know. I love him too, but this is unacceptable. I will never forgive him for this," Taeil said, shaking his head and walking away. "Thank you guys, but I think I'm going to just focus on school now."

Jeno frowned. "Are you going to see him at the trial?"

"I'll be there, but not for support."

"What do you mean?" Jeno asked, walking towards him and holding his shoulder to stop him from walking. "After all of this? I know how much he means to you and vice versa. Throwing this all away useless. Just because he killed someone and probably will spend the rest of his life in prison, it doesn't testify how much he loves you. You have got to consider the fact that you both gave up so much to be together."

Taeil shook his head. "I literally gave up everything for him, but when will he ever do the same? He took all of this for granted and doesn't even think twice about me before killing an innocent person."

Jeno sighed as he watched the older boy go away. He could see Mark frowning and shaking his head.

"Well, there goes that relationship."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jaemin couldn't drive anywhere because he was still grounded and when he heard about Taeyong's situation, he wanted to go see him at the trial. He had asked Yuta if he can go, but Yuta ultimately said no.

"There's no point of you going. Why are you even friends with a criminal? He makes me sick."

"Taeyong isn't a criminal. He's just had some problems which causes him to do things. If you knew him, you wouldn't be such a bitch about this."

"Even if I don't know him on a personal level, it doesn't matter. What does matter is that he is a bad influence in your life and I don't want you anywhere near him."

Jaemin looked at the clock on the wall, ignoring whatever Yuta was saying. It was only 3 in the afternoon and the trail started at 4. "You need to let me go. This will be the last time I even ever see him again."

"You can't go. That's the end of it."

Jaemin groaned. "Why are you so heartless? I'm going to go anyways. I don't care what you say."

"Like hell you will," Yuta said, voice growing louder.

It was when Haechan came over and sneaked him out of the house when Yuta was in his room. It was risky, but he needed to know what will happen to Taeyong and he'll deal with Yuta later.

When he arrived at the trial, Jeno, Mark, Taeil, Jaehyun, and Doyoung were there. Haechan walked them over to a seat and Jaemin ended up sitting next to Jeno, who was talking on the phone the whole time. Jaemin didn't know who he was talking to, but at this point, he didn't care much.

He only had his eyes on Taeyong, who was sitting next to his lawyer, eyes looking down.

When the trial finally started, Jaemin was a nervous a wreck. There was no way Taeyong could be saved unless some miracle happened. Taeil was watching the whole thing and when it was revealed who Taeyong murdered, Taeil immediately left the room. Jeno followed him out soon after.

Taeyong had accidentally killed Taeil's step dad. There wasn't much evidence to prove his innocence and the lawyer didn't do crap. Jaemin knew that Taeil hated his step dad, but his mother was smitten by him. There were series of domestic abuse and Taeyong knew about it, but Taeil never talked about it. When Taeil moved away for college, the step dad started to abuse his mother so much that he had told Taeyong what happened.

When the trial ended, Taeyong and Taeil shared some words. Taeil had tears in his eyes while Taeyong seemed really sad. Taeyong wanted to hug him, but Taeil didn't want him to. Jaemin could then them argue a bit before Taeyong had to leave.

"Taeyong!" He yelled, coming closer to him. "Remember you can't give up. We'll always be here with you."

"Thanks, Jaemin." And with that, Taeyong was gone.

When they were all leaving, Jaemin suddenly grabbed onto Taeil.

"Taeil, don't give up on him. You can't give up something you've loved almost your whole life."

"I have to Jaemin. There is there no future for us."

"You don't know that."

"What can I do now? I can't just spend my whole life waiting for him. I have to move on."

Jaemin sighed and looked at Jaehyun and Doyoung, who has been quiet the whole time. Jeno walked over to Taeil and rubbed his back.

"Everything will be okay."

 

 

 

 

 

 

That night, Jaemin watched Yuta yell Haechan for sneaking him out and told him to not come for 2 weeks. Jaemin couldn't believe Yuta. It just wasn't fair. After that, Haechan left and he walked into his room. He started thinking a lot about what life would have been like if Yuta was never here. He would have gotten so much freedom, but Yuta was also a huge part of his life. Without Yuta, Jaemin wouldn't have made it this far in his life.

 

 

 

 

A few days later Jeno started dating again. He was back with his ex, Lami, who he had thought was his first love. She was everything he wanted in a girlfriend and far beyond his expectations. And then everything went through the gutter. But that is a story for another time.

They met up again when Jeno was at his college with Renjun, visiting the campus. Lami was apparently going to the same college as them. During high school, Jeno was a soccer player while Lami was part of the track team. They were a great pair, having a lot in common and Lami really took a liking to him.

He had asked her out their senior year and that was where they began their relationship. Most of their friends were fine with them dating, with Jaemin and Haechan a bit skeptical of her since she was popular.

Jaemin didn't really care much about his dating life nor got involved. Jeno was okay about that but there were times when Jaemin did get upset when he would spend time with her rather than with his friends.

When Jaemin found out that they got together, he wasn't upset. He just wanted to know why they got back together. Jeno had told him that Lami wasn't the one and didn't plan on dating her again.

 

 

"What do you mean he still loves her?" Jaemin asked, clearly confused.

"He's always been in love with her," Haechan said over the phone. They've been talking over the phone a lot now since Haechan was banned from coming over.

"That's bullshit."

"Why do you think so? You think he was in love with you? That is even more bullshit."

Jaemin bit his lips, thinking. "I just know. Ever since they broke up, Jeno never talked to her again. After the whole prom thing, Jeno broke it off with her because she was a cheating slut."

"We all know that you hate her. Honestly, she was the best with Jeno. Not even you could surpass her."

"This isn't about me Haechan. He shouldn't have gotten back with her. Even if she was Jeno for a long time, it doesn't mean that they love each other."

He didn't hate her, she was just a bitch to him because he had dated Jeno previously. Ever since she knew about their relationship, it's been hell for him and he never wanted to even get involved in Jeno's love life again.

 

 

 

 

 

  
Jeno was shirtless when Jaemin arrived at his house, having just taken a shower. "Hey, what are you doing here? You're still grounded."

"I have to tell you something."

"Is this related to your leave? If it is, I don't want to hear it."

"No. It's about you getting back with Lami."

"How did you know?"

Jaemin rolled his eyes. "I know everything," he said, walking in.

Jeno just watched him sit on the couch. "You came all the way here to talk to me about this? Seriously?"

"Why did you get back with her?"

Jeno sighed at that and quickly went into his room to put on a shirt. He came back out and saw Jaemin sitting on his couch, playing on his phone.

"Why do you need to know?" He asked.

Jaemin looked up at him. "We're friends and we tell each other everything."

"No we don't. Coming from someone who doesn't tell shit, you can't just throw that at me."

"I don't want you to get hurt again. You know what happened the first time."

Jeno stared at him for the longest time. "If I get hurt then I get hurt. It would be my fault for dating her again. You don't need to worry about me."

"How can I not worry about you?"

"You've never worried about my relationships before. Why are you suddenly like this?"

Jaemin crossed his arms. "You think I don't care about your relationships?"

Jeno sat down next to him on the couch. "You don't seem interested. What is this even about? I know you don't like Lami and she doesn't like you too."

"You know why she doesn't like me right?"

"Because we dated Jaemin."

Jaemin studied him. "Does she know the other things too?"

Jeno nodded. "How can she not know? She knows everything about us."

"What do you mean? That I was your first?"

Jeno nodded and with that, Jaemin frowned.

"You told her? She didn't need to know. She told me that she didn't want me near you because she thought I would try to get you back. You were happy with her and I didn't want to ruin your happiness. It's not that I don't care."

"She told you to fuck off?"

Jaemin nodded. "Basically."

Jeno got up from the couch. "What the fuck? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you were all into her."

"Were you ever jealous of us? Did I hurt you?"

Jaemin raised his brows. Where did this come from? "What? Why would I be jealous? You even said yourself, our past was just a past."

"It's not just a past. You were in love with me."

Jaemin was flabbergasted. "Love? With you? You must be crazy."

"I'm being serious. Did our past even matter to you?"

Jaemin stared at him. "Of course. You were my first everything Jeno. How can I forget that? We did everything together and you were my first kiss. You think I could just throw all that away?"

Jeno sighed and looked down at his friend. "We were never in love."

Jaemin shook his head. "But I think I loved you. For the longest time ever since we were young, I didn't think I would love someone like you."

"What do you mean?"

"We were just kids back then. What did we know about love and dating? You and I are so different, but I guess that never really mattered as long as you love them."

"What about Hansol? Didn't you love him?"

Jaemin thought about it for a moment. "Yes and no, but it was always you."

Jeno slowly took Jaemin's hands. "I thought Lami was my first love."

"Was she?"

Jeno shrugged. "I'm not even sure."

"Why did you get back with her?"

"She told me she still loved me and wanted to try again. Jaemin, I really liked her and she was amazing. But she was also very much like someone that I know. She was reckless and she never opened her mouth unless I tell her too. She liked watching sunsets and watching action movie. She loved getting forehead kisses and she was stubborn as a rock. She was like you, but in a way, she everything that wasn't you."

Jaemin wasn't sure what what to say so he just stood still. Jeno looked at him carefully.

"Why do you think you're in love with me?"

"I've always did, but you know, life happens. We just weren't compatible."

Jeno just nodded, "Okay. But I'm still going date Lami."

"Why?"

"Because we will always be friends and we will always love each other no matter what."

"You don't love her though. You love someone else that is in her. But you also don't love me Jeno."

Right when Jeno was about to say something, there was a knock on the door. He turned away from Jaemin to get the door. He looked through the peephole to see Doyoung standing outside. He quickly opened it.

"Hey Jeno, I need-" Doyoung looked behind Jeno see Jaemin behind him. "Oh hey Jaemin."

"What are you doing here?" Doyoung never comes over unless something had happened.

Doyoung walked into the house and closed the door behind him. "It's about Jaehyun. He's going to propose to me."

"How do you know?" Jaemin asked. "He didn't tell anyone besides Mark."

Doyoung smiled at him. Doyoung had these bunny like eyes and the cutest smile ever. Jaemin could easily mistaken him for a human bunny. "I know everything. Jaehyun isn't really good at keeping secrets anyways."

"So what about the proposal?" Jeno asked, walking around Doyoung so he can sit down.

Doyoung bit his lips. "I can't marry him."

"Why not?"

Doyoung shook his head. "I think I'm in love with someone else."

Jeno blinked. "What?" He knows that Doyoung had always been smitten by Jaehyun and he loved the guy. Why was Doyung saying that he was in love with someone else?

"I mean I love him, but I don't think I can ever marry him. I can't marry someone like Jaehyun. I've been thinking a lot about this and I needed to let you know. I already told Taeil, but you're the last person I trust Jeno. Please tell him to not propose. Once I say no, he's going to get hurt."

"Doyoung-"

Doyoung was already standing up. "I'm sorry. Tell him I'm sorry and I love him. I won't be back for awhile because my mom is making go back home. Please don't tell anyone guys. Especially you Jaemin."

"Where are you going? You can't leave Jaehyun like this."

"I have to. I'm so sorry guys." Doyoung quickly opened the door and slipped out of the house. Jeno called out to him but Doyoung ignored him.

"Fuck." Jeno put on his slippers and followed him out to the driveway, but Doyoung got into his car and closed the door.

"Doyoung!" He knocked on the window. "You have to talk to him! Don't do this to him!"

Doyoung rolled down the window. "Bye Jeno."

"Doyoung! Why are you doing this? You can't run away from your problems."

"I'm not running away. I'm trying to make this as painless as possible." And with that Doyoung was gone.

 

 

 

 

 

Jaemin watched the whole thing and immediately called Mark.

"Mark! Where are you guys right now?"

"We're on the bus down to Busan."

"Changing plans. Come back right now. Something happened."

"What do you mean?"

"It has something to do with Jaehyun's boyfriend."

 

 

 

 

  
Although Jaehyun didn't reveal much about his and Doyoung's love life, Jeno knew that there was something going on. He didn't know that Jaehyun planned on proposing and he wondered if Jaehyun knew what Doyoung was going through. Doyoung was always honest and spoke his mind, pretty straightforward. Jaehyun was more of the quiet type, going with the flow. Jaehyun was never Doyoung's ideal type nor will he ever be who Doyoung really loved, but Jaehyun was everything to Doyoung. His best friend, other half, and soulmate. They were everything to each other.

Jeno was with Jaehyun and Mark when they came back. They had met up at a small bakery and Mark was texting Haechan nonstop the whole time while Jeno and Jaehyun were talking.

"Why didn't you say anything about Doyoung?"

"What was there to say?"

"The fact that you wanted to marry him, but he didn't want you. Who the hell was he in love with?"

Mark looked over them. "Jeno. Doyoung lied."

"What do you mean he lied?"

Mark and Jaehyun looked at each other before Jaehyun sighed and made eye-contact with Jeno."Doyoung isn't in love with anyone else. The only person he had ever loved was me."

Jeno was confused. "Then why would he lie?"

"Doyoung is scared Jeno. He's just making an excuse so he can go away to think. His parents never approved of Jaehyun. I mean he has tattoos all over his body and they think that Jaehyun is a bad influence, hanging out with Taeyong and everyone else."

"When his mom found out about Taeyong, she didn't want me near him. You know she thinks I'm also a criminal, with friends like Taeyong. He told me that we can't meet up anymore so I decided to that if we can get married, his parents would at least accept Doyoung and his decisions. They love him, but Doyoung doesn't think so. They never wanted a gay son who was dating someone who worked at an auto place with tattoos and piercings on his body."

Jeno nodded. Everyone knew how Doyoung had to go through so much because of Jaehyun. He would give up everything for Jaehyun, but he could never give him his life.

"Doyoung loves me, but the only thing holding him back is his parents. His parents might disown him because of me and I don't want that."

"They might if he marries you," Mark said.

Jeno sighed and looked down at the table. "What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to him," Jaehyun said, standing up. "Even if he doesn't want to marry me, the least we could be is friends. He means so much more than a ring."

Jeno stood up. "I'm going with you."

"No way. You have school in less than 2 days. Doyoung's hometown is far."

"You guys are my friends. I need to help you guys out and Doyoung told me not tell anyone, but I told you and he might get mad. This isn't something you can do alone."

"I'll go with him," Mark said. "You need to deal with Jaemin and all that stuff." Mark said Jaemin's name with emphasis.

Jaehyun shook his head. "No. I'm going alone. You guys stay."

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
Doyoung wasn't headed to his hometown. Jaehyun came to his hometown, but Doyoung wasn't there. Doyoung had lied about going back home and no one else knew where he could've went. There was only one person that might know and it was Doyoung's older brother, Gong Myung.

Gong Myung was a lesser known actor in the entertainment industry. Gong Myung had a flower boy like image just like Doyoung, but they were far from being alike. Doyoung was the troublemaker of the duo while Gong Myung was the good boy.

Gong Myung had hated Jaehyun ever since he had started dating Doyoung. It was because Jaehyun had tattoos and he thought he had 'tamed' Doyoung or something. Every time they were together, Doyoung was the one to keep them in tact and calm, but as the years went by, Gong Myung seemed okay with him.

When Jaehyun met up with Gong Myung to ask about where Doyoung had disappeared to, Gong Myung had no idea. He didn't know that Doyoung had his mother and father had left Seoul.

"They didn't tell me anything."

"Do know what could have happened to him? I know his parents are against me marrying him."

Gong Myung shook his head. "I don't know. He ran off with you that one time, and mom was mad. You're not the best person for him to marry."

"But we love each other."

Gong Myung understood. "I will try to find out for you. I know how much you mean to Doyoung, but just know that whatever happens, I want you accept Doyoung's decision."

"I will. Even if we can't get married, I want to know that he's okay."

Doyoung wanted a happy life where you can do what you want and be happy with the decisions you make. He was a believer of happy endings, but life doesn't always give you happy endings. Jaehyun heard from Gong Myung that Doyoung had moved away to live in Singapore for a year before going back home.

Jaehyun had called Doyoung several times a day, a million times a week, but there isn't an answer and may never be one.

"Do you think this will be the end for us?" Jaehyun asked, staring at his drink. He started drinking ever since Doyoung was gone.

Jeno and Mark looked at each other. "I'm sorry," Jeno spoke, his voice breaking. "I shouldn't have let him run away."

"It's fine. We were never meant to be. Doyoung was everything that I have ever wanted, but when you want something so bad, it never works out. I don't understand why he wouldn't at least say something."

Jeno wanted to let Jaehyun know that Doyoung was sorry, but was Doyoung really sorry? After doing this? They didn't talk about Doyoung anymore because it hurt. He had hurt all of them by doing this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
Jeno had invited Lami to Jaemin's goodbye party a few days later. Lami had talked about wanting to reconcile with Jaemin and apologize for the past. Jeno had bombarded her with the past and she admitted to being a bitch towards Jaemin and wanted to make it up to him. They were on their way to Jaemin's apartment when Lami had asked him how he would feel like when Jaemin's gone.

"What do you mean?"

"I know you loved him. Probably even more than me. Him leaving really hurts right?"

Jeno nodded. "You have no idea." He had tried talking Jaemin beforehand, but Jaemin was busy and he had to deal with school. They didn't talk much ever since that night Doyoung came over. He didn't want the boy to leave, but this was what Jaemin wanted and he shouldn't be selfish and make him stay.

When they came, Renjun was talking with Jisung, Mark was drinking while watching TV, Haechan deeply talking with Yuta about something. He looked around to find Jaemin, but he was nowhere to be found. He walked into the kitchen to see Taeil picking at something in his food.

"Where's Jaemin?"

Taeil looked up. "No idea. Check his room."

He looked over to Lami. "I'll be right back. I'm going to look for Jaemin."

His girlfriend nodded at him and he quickly walked up the stairs. He found Jaemin in his room, talking on the phone.

"Mom, I don't care. I just want you to come see me at the airport."

Jeno walked in and closed the door. Jaemin saw him but didn't say anything.

"Fine, don't come see me. This will the last time I pick up your call. I'm really disappointed in you and dad. You knew how much this means to me." He hung up the phone and looked at Jeno. He walked over to him and suddenly hugged him.

"I guess this is goodbye right?"

Jeno shook his head. "Please stay."

"I can't. This is part of my dream."

"Am I part of your dream?"

Jaemin sighed and looked away. "Only if I was part of yours. I can't stay just for you."

Jeno pulled him closer, making the younger boy look at him. "What makes you think it's just for me? You drop everything just to follow your dreams and you ignore those beside you."

"I'm not ignoring you guys. Why can't I just do what I want Jeno?" He looked at him with irritation. "It's already hard making this decision. Why can't you understand?"

"I'm sorry," Jeno muttered. "You will love it in the states."

"Don't be selfish. I know I'm a hypocrite for saying that, but things will always change."

"You might change."

Jaemin stared at him. "Why don't you just come with me? We could live together in the states."

Jeno couldn't take on the offer. It wasn't his dream. "I can't. Everything I have is here."

Jaemin just nodded before walking away from him. "I've been thinking how things will be like without you guys. It's going to be so different."

Jeno stared at his friend. Thinking about Jaemin leaving for years just pains him. He took Jaemin's chin and slowly leaned to kiss his lips. It was soft and tasted just like Jaemin. Jaemin kissed him back with as much passion as Jeno gave. It wasn't supposed to happen, but sometimes actions mean more than words.

"I- Jaemin," Jeno whispered, opening his eyes.

"I know," Jaemin said, lips a bit moist. "It's alright."

"I'm sorry," Jeno said, looking away. "You know I'll really miss you."

"I know." Jaemin sighed and pulled away. "This isn't supposed to happen?"

"The kiss?"

"Yeah."

"I wanted to kiss you."

"Do you regret kissing me?"

Jeno shook his head. "No."

They both heard a knock on the door and Jeno instantly went to open it. He can see his girlfriend standing outside the door.

"I was looking for you. At the meantime, can I talk to Jaemin?"

"Lami's here," he said, looking over his shoulder at Jaemin.

Lami smiled at Jaemin and Jeno walked her to Jaemin. "She wants to talk to you."

Jaemin just nodded, not making eye-contact with Jeno. "Okay."

Jeno left them in the room. Jaemin motioned for her to sit on the bed.

"What do you want to talk about?"

"I want to say sorry for whatever happened in the past. I know I was really mean to you, but people change."

Jaemin stared at her. This was the girlfriend of one of his best friends and there shouldn't be any hard feeling towards her, but he just didn't really give a damn about her apology. "I don't care really. The past is the past and we all have to move on."

Lami bit her lips and Jaemin noticed how he had never noticed that habit of hers. "He loved you, although he didn't know what love was. I can see it, but he doesn't. I can't let that bother me yet I'm at this point where I know that it wasn't me. It was always you."

Jaemin shook his head, growing irritated. "Jeno never loved me. Stop saying that he does."

"You see? Not even you want to believe it."

"Because it's not true."

"It is true."

Jaemin sighed and looked away. "Is there anything else you want to say? If there isn't, you can go down to find Jeno."

Lami took the courage to stand up and touch his arm, and there were shivers. "Jaemin, I'm sorry. I'm not just saying this because Jeno made me or anything, but I really want us to start over again." She looked at him in the eye. There was something that he couldn't understand. It was her determination and how she voiced it.

Jaemin slowly walked away and towards the door. "We can, but you probably won't ever see me again so what's the point?"

Lami just crossed her arms and Jaemin found it so similar to the way he would cross his arms. He really didn't want to deal with Jeno's girlfriend and he wanted her out of his room. "This isn't about whether or not we see each other again. I just came here so you and I can get through the past and be friends."

"Fine," Jaemin said. "We can be friends."

"Thanks." When she left the room, he stared at her back and wondered how the fuck Jeno can stand her, but he realized something.

Lami was just like him, but only in a girl version.

 

 

 

 

  
When he walked downstairs, everyone was in the living room and there was a goodbye cake. He didn't remember having a cake and wondered who brought it He smiled and sat down next to Haechan.

"Thanks guys," he said, voice cracking a bit. "For everything."

Haechan suddenly stood up and stood in front of everybody. "I made a speech. I really wanted to say something to Jaemin that I haven't before." Haechan smiled at Jaemin before continuing. "We have been through alot and I want to thank you for being the only one that listens to me and doesn't look down on me. You were there when I needed you, you were always my first option and someone I would take a bullet for. Although I don't know if you would do the same, but I want you to know that I will always have your back. You are probably the most annoying friend I ever had, but I wouldn't have it any other way."

Jaemin couldn't stop but suddenly feel emotional. He was always the emotional one in the group.

"Jeno and I want to say something," Mark said, walking to front. "We love you Jaemin and thanks for being our friend for so long. You may be short-tempered and you get irritated easily, but you're Jaemin and we love that about you."

"Yeah and thanks for everything Jaemin," Jeno said, smiling at him. "We'll always be beside you."

The others gave a speech and Jaemin just a couldn't stop the tears. It was really goodbye.

When the party ended, Jaemin was helping Haechan clean up the house. Yuta was outside talking with ex-girlfriend, who came over awhile ago. Lami and Jeno had already left right when the party ended and Taeil had left with Mark. Renjun and Jisung left a few minutes ago after cleaning up the kitchen. The party was really nice and Jaemin regretted not talking more and telling people what he really felt. They all had a talk with him personally and it was great, but Jaemin felt a little sad that he won't be seeing them again for a few years.

"Are you done packing?" Haechan asked, after they were done cleaning.

"Yeah."

"Hey, did anything happen upstairs? I know Lami was in your room."

Jaemin looked over at him. "She wanted to say sorry for whatever happened in the past. Pretty much it."

"You know, I always thought you and Lami were similar, like really scary similar. I have never really realized it before, but when she came over, I noticed the something about her."

"What did you notice?"

"The same eye smile, the same habits, and the way she talks."

Jaemin sighed. "Okay, I get it. I know, okay. I have never gotten close to her, but I noticed the same thing. She is somewhat like me, but she isn't me. We're all different."

Haechan seemed like he wanted to say something, but he didn't.

"Jeno kissed me."

Haechan stopped what he was doing to look at his friend. "He kissed you? Why?"

Jaemin shrugged. "I'm not even sure. I don't want to think something I shouldn't. It seemed like it was in the moment kind of thing."

Haechan hummed and continued to clean the living room. "Would you ever get back with him?"

Jaemin had thought about it before, but he could never really say what he felt about dating Jeno again. They broke up because they just had a hard time. Dating wasn't easy and he and Jeno had different approaches to dating. They didn't match and he often didn't like what they were doing to each other. They had hurt each other in the past, but was it time to forget it. The past shouldn't be hold such a huge meaning to their relationship, but it did.

"It's not like I haven't thought about it. It's just that it takes so much effort to date. I wouldn't want whatever happened to happen again."

"So it's a no?"

"As of right now, it will always be a no."

Haechan sighed. "With Mark, I can't get up the courage and ask him out."

"Why is that? It's just Mark."

"Exactly, it is Mark."

Jaemin rolled his eyes. "Okay then."

They talked a bit more until Haechan had to drive back home. He said that he will be there at the airport tomorrow. Right when he was about to head to bed, he decided to call Jeno. They didn't really talk much during the party and Lami was attached to him like a sloth.

"I just wanted to call you."

He could hear Jeno's music in the background. Jeno always had music on.

"I wanted to talk to you too."

"About what?"

"About everything. Saying goodbye."

"It's not a goodbye, Jeno."

Jeno made a sound on the other side. After a while, Jeno says something that made Jaemin's heart cletch.

"Why don't you stay with me?"

There was only a simple answer. "I can't."

"Do you know what I mean?"

"You want me to stay and I already said I can't."

"You can't stay because you choose not to."

"I will always choose to follow my dreams."

"Do you want to come over?"

Jaemin looked at at the clock in his room. It as already past midnight. "It's 12 Jeno."

"I know."

They were quiet for awhile. Jaemin leaned back in his bed and looked up at the ceiling. He misses these moments when it was just him and Jeno, where they could be themselves and say what they want to say.

"Lami is just like me," Jaemin said after thinking. "It makes me think that there is a hidden meaning behind you dating her."

Jeno didn't say anything so Jaemin continued. "You didn't date her because you liked her, you dated her because you still have feelings for me."

"Feelings or not, I didn't know she was like you until months into our relationship. I was kinda surprised too, but she was the reason why I believed in love."

Jeno didn't know whether he really loved her or if he loved her because she was a copy of Jaemin.

"I kinda miss the old us," Jaemin muttered, "when we didn't care about the consequences of what will happen. We were just young kids who lived life and did whatever we wanted, but it was never the best."

"It wasn't but it was something special."

"I'll really miss you too."

"I know," Jeno laughed. "What do you think about me coming over right now? I think we both need a proper goodbye."

Jaemin liked the idea, but Yuta was in his room and the guy always knew what was up if Jeno came over. "Yuta will find out."

"When has that ever stopped us?"

Jaemin smiled. "Okay but only for a little bit. I'll open the door for you."

 

 

 

 

They were sitting on Jaemin's bed and just talking.

"Did Lami upset you today?"

"Not really."

"She's not the best at apologizing."

Jaemin looked at him. "Neither am I."

Jeno didn't smile at the comment. "You are. You don't have the best method, but you mean well."

Jaemin touched Jeno's hands, his hands were always warm while his own were always cold. "Thanks."

"No problem."

"Did you ever really love Hansol?" He wanted Jaemin to be honest.

Jaemin was caught off guard by the question, but he didn't comment. He smiled for a bit. "Hansol was everything that I wanted in a boyfriend, but he was also everything that hurt."

"I don't think you ever loved him, you just liked the idea of him."

Jaemin sighed, looking the other way. "Maybe I didn't. But maybe I did. I don't really know. He was something else. He was always there for me when no else was."

"He loves Kun."

"I know."

They both were quiet. Jaemin didn't seem to want to talk about Hansol anymore. After a while, Jaemin touched his forearm.

"How should our goodbye go?"

Jeno looked down at him, thinking. "I'm not sure." But Jeno continued to look at him with something Jaemin isn't sure he can comprehend.

Jeno leaned down to kiss his lips. "Can I kiss you?"

Jaemin nodded because he also wanted the same thing. He didn't know what it was, but it was something that the two can only understand. He pulled Jeno's neck down and kissed him back.

When they were dating, they wouldn't kiss a lot or make love because they were young and having sex wasn't what they wanted.

But right now, Jeno was in his room kissing him, neck, shoulder, and everywhere. Jeno took off his shirt and Jaemin followed him, taking off his shirt.

"Should we really do this?" Jaemin asked, a bit dizzy and unsure. It seemed so unreal because this was Jeno.

"Then what do you want to do?"

"I want to talk," he kissed down Jeno's neck. "You can't forget about Lami."

Jeno looked at him. "I know, but this isn't about her."

"Yeah. I guess not, but I want you to know that whatever happens to us, we'll always be friends right?"

Jeno nodded, kissing him again. They were making out again until Jaemin grabbed his shoulder and stopped him. "Will you regret tonight?"

Jeno sighed and took Jaemin into his arms. "Why would I? You talk a lot."

 

 

 

 

After they were done doing whatever they wanted to do, they laid down on the bed and Jaemin was looking at the ceiling. Jeno had his eyes closed.

"I think I love you," Jeno whispered, his voice barely audible, leaning over to kiss his friend's forehead. Was friend even the right word?

"Why?"

"It's weird. I really don't know what to say."

"Then don't say it. Love isn't what we are. Not yet."

"You still love me."

"It has always been you."

Leaving will always be hard and although Jeno wants him to stay, he can't. Sometimes life isn't always about what other people want, life about your own happiness.

But maybe Jaemin already found his own happiness and it was Jeno. He just didn't know it back then.

"I don't want to leave you, Jeno," Jaemin says, with sincere. "Not after what we've been through. And especially not after tonight." The last part came out as a whisper.

Jeno looked at him. "But you have to. You will be happier and when you come back, I'll still be here."

Jaemin bit his lips for a moment before kissing Jeno's neck. "Thank you for understanding."

"I haven't asked this before, but what are you going to do in the states?"

"I'm going to find myself. It's all I ever wanted."

It wasn't goodbye for them, but it was something for them to keep instead of a goodbye. They were precious yet so unsure, but when the time comes, things will fall into place just like how everything is supposed to be.

 

 

 

 


End file.
